Real name: Merv Hart
Location: Walthamstow, London
Relationship status: Attached
Occupation:New media monkey
Poor Gizzard was born at the age of 2 with pus filled warts covering 87% of his body, which took 9 years to pop. Shunning society due to his repulsive looks and foul pus-ridden stench, Gizz resurfaced at the age of 4 underneath a pasta factory guzzling huge amounts of tagliatelle, and has never quite been the same since. During a ravenous pasta-guzzling session, he is said to secrete a strange oozing scunge from his nostrils, and he can be heard moaning. ‘Scunge’ is in fact one of Gizzard’s favourite words, ranking right up there with ‘pestilence’ and ‘jubblies’.
Gizzard soon became chief warden in a Spanish leper prison, where he beat the lepers with big pointy sticks if they misbehaved or didn’t eat their dinner, until at the age of 12 he discovered strip clubs and became a gangsta pimp. So distraught at the thought of unfilled orifices, Gizz insists on filling his own with pasta and has been warned by the police to stop on several occasions.
Unfortunately, Gizzard is so paranoid that goblins are out to skin him alive that he constantly carries a machete around with him in case of sudden goblin ambushes. This delusion comes from talking to cows too much, which he is known to do regularly on his regular trips to Wales. At the age of 25 he admitted on national TV that he owned the largest collection of intestinal gases in the world, until they were stolen by trolls.
When he was 27, his face was sliced off by monkeys. Thankfully his mum bought him an expensive new one, and re-located him in London with a job writing technical documents that no-one ever reads. He now lives a lie, pretending to be interested in producing BBC new media output, but is secretly tormented at night where he dreams of guzzling spaghetti, beating diseased old men, and plotting his terrible revenge on monkeys and thieving mythical creatures. REVENGE!
Sightings of Gizzard
Whenever Gizzard attends or plans to attend an event listed in our Crawls Calendar, they'll be added to this list.
The Great Zombie Walk of Oxford Street - Saturday 12th Jul 2008 10:00PM
Crawl of the Dead IV: Revenge of the Zombie Bastards - Saturday 27th Oct 2007 4:00PM